Just fell off a train. Bad.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
