But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I am one with the molecules
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
