how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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