I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
