anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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