Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
