rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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