Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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