Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
