Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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