It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
