I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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