they need to just BURY HIM!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
