she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
