If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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