3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
