I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
