so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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