her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize