remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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