You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
