Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
