I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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