On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
