you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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