Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
