Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
