the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
