A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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