Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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