Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
