WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
