I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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