Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
