last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
