I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
