false alarm. still invincible.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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