drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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