It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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