sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize