just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
