I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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