dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
