Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
