Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
