I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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