my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
