i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
