do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
