Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
