11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
