My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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