Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
