Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
