BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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