alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
